I won’t say I have spent any length of time deliberating on what it means to be “worthwhile” or make the claim that I ever thought I wasn’t “worthwhile,” but the time has come in my life where I have looked back on myself and realized that I changed me for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. And I am done changing for anyone but myself.
The past few years, I have grown a lot. After having my daughter, I started the transition of caring more about who I am rather than who other people think I should be. The idea got in my head that I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking that she has to change herself to be better. She is perfect the way she is. And now I know I am too.
Relationships and friendships, for me, have always been tricky. With my mental illness, I have always viewed myself as broken and flawed. I just went along with other people’s interpretations and memories because I felt mine were no good. If I was told I should or should not do something, I just went with it even if I didn’t want to. I thought I was broke. I didn’t know. … But I’m NOT broken. And these last few years have shown me that.
I am not wealthy, not successful by many standards, or in good health by some standards. I thought without these things, I would be miserable and completely unhappy. But the truth is, I can pay my bills and put food on the table. I have a car, a house, and a job. And my health is a work-in-progress. Topping it all off is my daughter who makes me grateful to be alive every day (even those pesky bad days lol). She let’s me know, in the most unfiltered way possible, what it means to be happy.
With my daughter’s help and the help of my family (tho they may not even know it), I have come down to Earth and witnessed myself in the past and future. And since I didn’t like what I saw about the past or future, I am changing my present. It is no easy feat (I have a lot of bad habits to break going forward), but I have an amazing helper in my daughter, some great friends, and a fabulous family. With a little luck, me working on me will pay off for everyone (tho I am rooting for a big pay off for me and my daughter).
Being worth it takes work, but not as much work as always changing yourself for other people. I don’t know why I ever put so much effort into pleasing everyone but me… It feels great to be the happy one now!
By others, in this instance, I mean my mechanic. A little backstory here…
I take medication that makes it difficult for my body to process heat and cold some of the time. Sometimes everything is fine while other times I am a mess. Sitting in a cool breeze on an 80 degree day could very well cause me to go into a heat stroke or I might be perfectly fine. I don’t usually know until it is getting to be too late – like call the ambulance late (flushed skin, no sweating, major headache, dizzy)! Yesterday was almost one of those days…
It wasn’t particularly hot out – maybe in the high 70s to low 80s. There was a breeze, and I wasn’t being active. I was just waiting on my car to be fixed, so I could head out to the rest of the days chores. It had only been about an hour and my mechanic grabbed a stool and sat it almost directly in front of a huge fan. He told me to come sit down. When I got there, he asked if I was okay and said he noticed how flushed I had gotten. He felt I was overheating.
He was right. I hadn’t even noticed yet. Sitting in front of the fan stalled the heat exhaustion and even improved upon it a bit. He really saved my backside. I know I thanked him; I just don’t think I thanked him enough. It’s pretty rare when someone takes the time to notice what’s happening and then helps you out like that. I’m so grateful to my mechanic – yesterday could have turned out a lot different than me driving home.