A red-letter day… well maybe not haha! I saw my new therapist, and she was a little jarred at not being greeted or even smiled at (apparently not normal). Long story short, my emotions are flatlined on the one medicine I am on, so we are walking me off of it while slowly building up on a former one that didn’t have such a severed side-effect.
Living a life where your emotions are basically nerfed is exhausting. I have to force every possible social interaction to appear normal or make it so people don’t think I am angry or upset or whatever. Not crying, smiling, talking loud enough for people to hear me, eye-contact, following along with a conversation, and more simply exhausted me to a point of near-meltdown into depression. The decision to come off this medicine could have come sooner but better now then never!
At three days off the full dose, I am smiling more and it’s natural! I feel up beat and bordering on vibrant again! I am laughing more!!! I love to laugh! I had forgotten how much I enjoy laughing… My eyes are difficult to keep open, and I am able to follow more closely with conversations. It’s great to hear people tell me how nice it is that I participate more in conversation! Three days and already a huge difference just in social interactions.
Add to that it was easier to get up this morning. While I am still lethargic, restless, and feel like a sinking stone when falling asleep, the effects are lessened which is a huge improvement. Waking is easier when your whole body doesn’t feel like it’s filled with lead. I can’t wait to see how I feel at the end of the week! It can only get better! And when I am completely OFF the meds?! Yeah, that will be epic!
As a PSA to anyone suffering from any kind of illness, mental or otherwise, don’t be me and wait months to get a med that is clearly not working adjusted. Be proactive in your care and in your medicine(s). It will be worth it when your quality of life isn’t swallowed by a wonky med.
It has been a long time since I have opened up about my mental illness – a few years since I posted a series on deviantART showcasing my racing and incomprehensible thoughts and thought processes. Since then, I have been plagued by tummy issues. For the sake of the queasy reader, I will keep this outside the realm of TMI…
It started, badly, about 3-ish years ago. By “badly” I mean affecting my daily life in such a way as to create an atmosphere I didn’t really want to live in. This “badly” had me going to the bathroom to do unspeakable things to the toilet more than six times a day. At its peak, I was going close to a dozen times a day. It was, and still is, very interrupting to my life and painful.
I yo-yo’d with my weight. My mental illness was blamed. Gluten was blamed. Random other food allergies were blamed. Two different doctors blamed several different things from me, exercise, foods, mental health, medications, and more. The road was tough and riddled with various procedures; the most invasive procedure being a colonoscopy at 34 years of age… far sooner than one should have one.
What all this did to me, my mental health which was already fragile, and my personal life was cause a train-wreck, bringing everything to a mighty halt. The end result was no real tangible way to stop the flow of Hell daily from my body without medications, and there is no real way to focus weight loss with the issues I have across the board because of the bowel issue, medication side-effects, and physical limitations. The result of a year+ of being tested and treated resulted in the diagnosis of IBS-D (Irritable Bowel Syndrome – Diarrhea).
Since my diagnosis, I have toyed with weight loss and not seen much success which has weighed heavily on my mind which pokes the mental illness beast which pokes the IBS beast which sends me more frequently to the bathroom. So I gave up. I figured why bother. In not bothering though, I have gone from 220lbs to 193lbs in about a six month time-frame. It is truly magical!
I am not sure if I stumbled onto gold here or simply uncovered my own super-power, but I am almost to my goal weight and am doing it by not doing it. It seems that with not triggering my anxiety by lumbering around these weight-loss goals on my shoulders, I pause the chain reactions that go along with my mental illness (which includes weight gain). I still have a little ways to go (just under 20 pounds) but am happy with the progress now. Even if the slide to my slim pants paused or stopped altogether, I think I will still be happy with the enormous success I have achieved already.
And that is one goal I can safely say I met and am proud of meeting. Cheers to everyone meeting or trying to meet weight loss goals! It is a difficult road but worth the ride, so don’t give up even if that means scrapping one plan and trying something new!